Shannon Doherty

I have come to the conclusion that I have the mental capacity of an empty water bottle. How did I come to this conclusion? By watching an entire Shannon Doherty movie on Oxygen last night. Shannon played a college student who “had it all.” A great boyfriend, a writing scholarship, membership in the most exclusive sorority…until she took pity on a former student. Zan was shy, nerdy and awkward. Heather took her under her wing, nurtured her, remade her, even got her into the sorority. Zan of course, turned out to be psycho and obsessed with Heather and having Heather’s life. You know, your typical Oxygen movie plot. Even while I watched it, picking at a slice of day old pizza (okay, I wasn’t picking at it, I was gorging myself silly-happy? HAPPY?) I was aware of how bland and generic it was. Yet did I have the intellectual fiber to turn the station? Put in a movie? Read a mother effing book for crying out loud? No I did not. And when it was finally over, I was filled with a self loathing so intense, I nearly laughed. Instead, I turned the TV off, put some intelligent music on (Postal Service) dimmed the lights, and thought about everything I could that was non-Shannon Doherty related. Here’s what I came up with—
1. Top Notch Acting
2. Evenly placed eyes
3. Tolstoy’s War and Peace
4. 17 bowls of goldfish named Larry
5. A one way ticket to Amersterdam.

So thank goodness that ordeal is over…