Ask Ivan: Real Advice from a Real Man

Dear Ivan,
Lately I've had an overwhelming feeling that I am not fulfilling my calling in life. My job is unsatisfying and I am so lonely. I haven't many friends, and the ones I do have don't really exist.
Please help me!
Lucy Loveless,
Fargo, ND

Dear Lucy:
Woa, you should change your name to Captain Bringdown, STAT! Your life sounds like a major downer. Here's what you do-k, go to everquest.com and register to get on board the most exciting adventure you could possible imagine! After a few quick wizard battles and elf slayings, you'll find that fulfillment you were so desperately seeking. I'll see you there, Captain!


Dear Ivan,
I like to go through my neighbors trash at night. It intrigues me. Did you know the Smith's drink DIET soda? The Rodriguez's use generic TOILET PAPER? We're talking one plye here! And beautiful Miss Lynn from accross the street eats at Del Taco at least three times a week. She likes the chicken soft tacos and cheddar quesadillas. Sometimes I make hats out of the quesadilla wrappers and wear them to various support groups. I don't really need any advice or help...I just wanted to share with you and the readers that Old Man Barker reads Cosmopolitan and wears women's Secret deodorant. He's a little...wink, wink, if you know what I mean.
Warm regards,
One Man's Garbage
Pahrump, NV

Dear One Man's Garbage:
Was that you I saw last night, skulking about my trash can leafing through my discarded credit card applications and Popular Science magazines? Sounds like you've tapped into a remarkable well of unnecessary information about your neighbors. My hats off to you and your smelly source of useless information. Thanks for sharing!

Dear Ivan,
Have you ever made a mushroom cry? I did last night and I feel really bad. What is a good way to apologize?
Lana
Your basement

Dear Lana,
What the F?