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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

A Sister's Heart is Larger than a Cool, Vintage Chair

She made up her mind to be brave. She told herself to forget the chair. With forced optimism she told herself there would be other chairs. Her spiritual side comforted her by reminding her that she couldn’t take the chair to Heaven. Still, there was a hollow feeling in her buttocks as she sat on couches, love seats, cushions, all poor substitutes for the beautiful vintage chair she saw at the old woman’s yard sale. It was only ten dollars and in near perfect condition. It’s cool, chrome frame caught the fire of the August sun, and white leather cushions beckoned even the most avid stander.
“How much?” She asked the wrinkled host of the yard sale, who sat on the front porch with a watchful eye. Pursing her lips, thinned from age the woman squinted and spoke. “Ten dollars.” It couldn’t be! Such a priceless gem of 70s furniture for a mere ten dollars? Why, that was less than an hour of work for the young girl named Suzy. As she reached into her purse to pull out her billfold, her sister Nichole nudged her arm.
“Suze, we just came to look. We have to rush as Mom needs our help moving. We simply don’t have time to make such a large purchase. Even if we did, we need the space in the car to move Mother’s belongings to and fro. I’m sorry, but you’ll have to leave the chair behind.”
“I understand,” Suzy said with a nod and a disappointed kick in the lawn with the toe of her Chuck Taylor sneaker.
“Don’t worry,” Her other sister Charise smiled. “There will be other chairs.”
“Of course!” Suzy smiled, though she knew there would never be another chair like this. Not ever. The day passed to the grunt of helpers moving boxes. Even as Suzy, along with the others, dove into working the impossible task at hand, her thoughts continued to drift towards the beautiful chair. She was sure some other lucky passerby had snatched the chair, possibly negotiating a price of eight dollars. Possibly even seven. Angrily shoving her mother’s belongings into a cardboard box marked “Memorabilia” she cursed the new owner of the chair. “Whoever they are won’t appreciate it or love it as I would have. I’m sure whoever purchased it weighed 400 pounds and would bend it’s beautiful frame with the first sitting!” Suzy thought. A perfect image of the culprit formed in her mind. A man, about 47 years old with a sagging belly and legs the size of the pillars supporting the White House. Of course, when you weigh 400 pounds, you can’t walk so Larry (as she had decided the chair thief would be named) drove a rascal. A shiny, gray rascal purchased with tax payers money. He’d pay for it with 7 one dollar bills, damp from being in the perspiration soaked pocket of his Lee jeans. She shuddered. Larry, of course would have six smelly children who would sit their filthy little bodies all over the white cushions, tainting it’s purity forever. Larry’s wife, Hortense would cut the back open and hide her meager allowance there, waiting for the day when she would have enough to leave him forever. Hortense was going to be a country western singing sensation…if only she could leave Larry and her grimy mass of children behind.
Suzy was violently shaken from her sick day dream with the realization that the sun had long gone down, and the chore of moving her Mother to her new home was at last finished.
Charise and Nichole dropped Suzy off at the apartment and went to fetch some late night munchies. When they returned, Nichole had a large smile on her face and Charise was nowhere to be seen.
“Just look out the door!” Nichole instructed. There, hobbling up the steps with slow precision was Charise…carrying the beautiful chair. It had not been sold to Larry after all! Charise and Nichole explained that it was sitting on the curb with a cardboard sign that read “Free.” The priceless item was too large to fit in Nichole’s chair, so Charise had carried it all the way back to the apartment. No small feat, as it was quite a distance to be walking in the dark, and the chair was quite heavy.
Suzy learned a valuable lesson about chairs, moving and sisterhood. Only she was too exhausted to register it in her memory and it slipped away from her. One thing is certain-whenever she sits upon her precious chair, she will always remember how much her sisters loved her.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Don't tell ME to calm down...pyscho.



An evil, psychotic woman called my line at work today. She yelled at me for a good 5 minutes or so, without being clear as to WHY she even called me. I am used to this, so I asked her calmly, pleasantly to please be a bit clearer as I did not understand what her situation was and how I could help her. Her response? She had the nerve to accuse me of being short with her! Her exact words: “Miss, you’re getting a little short with me. Are you having a bad day or something? Why don’t you just take a breath and calm down and attempt to be helpful.” I was shocked and speechless. Looking at my coworkers quizzically, I covered the mouth piece and asked them if I had sounded rude. They all shook their heads no. I gave up on properly assisting this faceless ignoramus and transferred her to our executive coordinator, Liz. Liz called me a few minutes later and said “Suzy, that woman was PURE EVIL and she had nothing to do with our department whatsoever! She told me I was unhelpful and rude, and she said that you have issues.” I have issues!!! Well, I’m the one with the transfer button, lady. Issue that! Ha ha ha. I’m pleased Liz had a similar experience so I knew I was not insane. Fortunately, after this incident I was commissioned to take a field trip to the concierge desk to leave an envelope for a guest. The walk calmed me down, and the guy that played Theo Huxtable cut right in front of me in line! Seeing former child stars always brings a smile to the face and a twinkle to the eye. Especially when theysmile nicely at you before proceeding on their way. I just love Las Vegas. Everything always has a way of ending just the way it should. Kind of like an episode of the Cosby Show!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Arrow Planes

Like a small child, I view riding on an airplane with so much excitement, I can barely sit still in my plastic training plants. Today I get to hop aboard the Ghetto Bird, otherwise referred to as Southwest Airlines. As excited as I am, wriggling about with plastic crinkling sounds, there is always a little bit of nervousness that accompanies a Southwest flight. Will I be wedged between the two obese relief society presidents like I was last time? I could barely breathe and due to limited carryon capacity, I was forced to clutch my small back pack to my chest the entire duration of the flight. This was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I was able to open the zipper and inhale the scent of my clean laundry within to block out the pungent aroma of sulfur breath and fat sweat coming from either side of me. It was a curse because I was already lacking in space and being forced to hold it the whole trip made me feel contorted and agitated. Hopefully my flight will go well. I’m sure it will though, just so long as I can get a window seat. Besides, my two wonderful sisters will be waiting at the baggage claim with wide open arms, eyes, and if they are laughing-mouths. It’s always great to see sisters isn’t it? Especially if they are cooking you a delicious and amusing fondue dinner. Don’t mind if I do, ladies! See you in a few hours!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

This is a little embarrassing but...

1. I had to call my sister Nichole as a self-intervention to keep myself from calling Eric and saying “Ask me out, dangit! You know you want to!”
2. Kallen called me last night at 10:45 pm after I had gone to bed, and a small part of me was sorry I missed him. (Don’t worry-just curious)
3. I ate Del Taco AGAIN last night, and it was so good.
4. I watched an entire episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen on MTV last night.
5. I really, REALLY like the new Donny Osmond song “Breezen.”
6. In about six minutes, I’m going to go to the company kitchen and get a bag of Cheetos. And I’m not EVEN HUNGRY.
7. I was listening to a Dead Can Dance cd this morning, and I don’t know whether their music is Celtic or Arabic or what-but it is SO COOL.
8. The shirt I’m wearing is so tight, I’m going to look like I have red vines tide around my shoulders when I finally take it off.
9. I could spend all day perfecting the art of laziness…but I just don’t have the energy.
10. I haven’t been to the gym since last Monday, and now consider soaking in the hot tub or laying by the pool exercise.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Nightmare 1,234

I’ve decided to start blogging my many interesting nightmares for entertainment purposes. Feel free to analyze, tease, groan, or applaud lightly. No cat calling or cat throwing please.
Park City Utah-it’s the middle of some sort of colorful Hindu festival. With my arms full of treasures, and my lower half lacking of pants I attempt to weave my way through the thick crowd. I realize I don’t have pants on, panic a little, and start walking faster. I attempt to pass a slow, hobbling woman in front of my and she won’t let my by! She is missing a foot, and every time I make an effort to pass her, she turns to miss hisses, and stomps her bloody stump loudly. It’s terrifying! She won’t leave me alone and that is when I realize that she is not the only one in the crowd missing a limb. It isn’t a Hindu festival at all-it is a gathering of people who are missing appendages of some sort. Some are only missing fingers, others legs and arms. When they realize I’m completely in tact (missing trousers apparently doesn’t count as being physically maimed-whatever!) the start to gather around me slowly. I wake up as the lady without the foot begins stomping over and over and over…
This dream isn’t nearly as scary or cryptic as the needle-man puppet from my childhood nightmares, but still I wonder what it is all about? I haven’t watched any scary movies lately…what could it be?

You're Tearing Me Apart!!!!



On this up and coming trip to “Hades” as Charise and I refer to it in our best Sling-Blade inspired voice, we have discussed the possibility of telling a little white lie to our dear Mother. “Mom,” we’ll say. “We need to wrap up tonight by 6pm because Suzy is meeting Gena in Salt Lake for some hard core partying.” When really…tee hee, we will be sneaking with the stealth of a ninja, to meet our father for dinner! Oh are we naughty or what?

Monday, August 22, 2005

6 Feet 6 inches of Fun-Get your mind outta the gutter!

After braving the wilds of Provo, UT for a mere three months, the infamous K.K. has returned in all his 6’6” glory to Las Vegas. I know this because he came and sat with Gena and myself in church Sunday of last week. Pleasantly surprised by my complete lack of feelings towards this leggy rogue who had such a hold on my tender heart last winter, I found myself confident and nonchalonte. So much better than that scared sack of nerves I used to be around him. Anyway, yesterday I found myself sitting alone in Sacrament meeting when I was joined by Mr. K yet again. I must say it was an interesting conversation we had all through the meeting. For some reason he felt the need to ask me about my love life and how I was getting on. When I told him I had my eye on someone he had the nerve to say “Tell me who he is and I’ll tell you whether he is interested or not.” As if he’d know! My, Grandmother K, what a big ego you have! Really though, it was a rather pleasant conversation-he always was one for discussing interesting subject matter. Still, I feel triumphant knowing he sat next to me, and my confidence never wavered, and not once did he make me blush. I guess it helps to be smitten with another feller, but still I think I really am over K. What a relief!
On another note, I went to my friend Van’s house Saturday night. Van is a very cool little guy I’ve known for quite sometime, but haven’t spent much time with. Aside from the crowd of watered down fashion victims with boring names like Angel, Sarah, and Doug that were hovering around, it was a rather enjoyable evening. Van is a DJ, just like my latest crizzzush Eric, and he let my play on his turntables. Oh, it was so fun!! That is something I could really get into. In fact, for a minute I thought I was doing pretty well-I was feelin’ it, I had rhythm I had music, I had it going ON! That’s when I noticed Van laughing at me-was my zipper down? Was there a crusty dangling from my nostril, fluttering with each breath I took? No. He was laughing because I did NOT have it going on. He was nice about it though, and very patiently attempted to teach me how to multi-task the turn table and the other lil’ doohickies and what-nots. Of course, I just left feeling painfully uncool but nothing that couldn’t be remedied by Wal-mart brand fruit snacks and way too much 7UP plus. Funny thing about 7UP plus, I’ve become addicted to it. Probably because it is pink…wish I had one right now. So pink and delicious…

Friday, August 19, 2005

Shannon Doherty

I have come to the conclusion that I have the mental capacity of an empty water bottle. How did I come to this conclusion? By watching an entire Shannon Doherty movie on Oxygen last night. Shannon played a college student who “had it all.” A great boyfriend, a writing scholarship, membership in the most exclusive sorority…until she took pity on a former student. Zan was shy, nerdy and awkward. Heather took her under her wing, nurtured her, remade her, even got her into the sorority. Zan of course, turned out to be psycho and obsessed with Heather and having Heather’s life. You know, your typical Oxygen movie plot. Even while I watched it, picking at a slice of day old pizza (okay, I wasn’t picking at it, I was gorging myself silly-happy? HAPPY?) I was aware of how bland and generic it was. Yet did I have the intellectual fiber to turn the station? Put in a movie? Read a mother effing book for crying out loud? No I did not. And when it was finally over, I was filled with a self loathing so intense, I nearly laughed. Instead, I turned the TV off, put some intelligent music on (Postal Service) dimmed the lights, and thought about everything I could that was non-Shannon Doherty related. Here’s what I came up with—
1. Top Notch Acting
2. Evenly placed eyes
3. Tolstoy’s War and Peace
4. 17 bowls of goldfish named Larry
5. A one way ticket to Amersterdam.

So thank goodness that ordeal is over…

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Guys, I really, really, really have to pee.

My toe is tapping, sweat is beading at my brow and I have a heavy feeling in my bladder. It could only mean one thing-I have to pee really, really, really bad. The trouble is, there is nobody here to cover the phones so I have to wait! Oh it is truly agony.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Please don't let me be sick again...

So it just hit me about 20 minutes
ago...that dull, almost after thought
of soreness spreading through my
limbs. Oh merciful Heavens, don't
let me get sick again! With the
wheezing and the coughing and the
loneliness of quarantine. My only companion
being a bottle of 7up Plus and a box of
Nyquil gel tablets. Mmm…Nyquil.
I can beat this right? Tonight, I'll
swing by Little Dumplings, pick up
the spiciest pint of Tom Yum soup
they can brew. I shall scorch
the beast out with traditional
Thai seasonings.
Yes, beat this I will. Sleep, soup and water-that
is the best cure. I will be in tip top shape by the
weekend. Or so help me, I will give up completely
on living a healthy life and retire to a secluded life of
hypochondria. Doesn’t it seem like hypochondriacs have the loneliest, saddest lives? They don’t feel love, excitement, happiness…all they feel are aches and pains, chills, pills, and the occasional freight train on the chest. Constantly cowering in the shadow of impending death and illness, they shield themselves with lids from prescription bottles and hide in the armor of their own madness. I worked with one at my last job, and let me
tell you good sirs, she had no life at all. But then again, who does?

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Love is in the Hair

You know what does "it" for me? A guy with great hair who isn't afraid to be fun and wear a bandana. Is that not the hottest thing in the world?

Friday, August 12, 2005

I wanna make a list too!!!

I just read all of your lists, and goll-durnnit I want to make one too!
Why I love Friday
1. The wonderful CLICK as I turn my alarm clock off at night. Sleep is best when you know you don't have to wake up...EVER!!! Ha ha ha
2. The air of casual at work-I don't even have to wear nylons!
3. So many cheesey 80s movies on TBS to watch whilst I gorge on Del Taco
4. The weekly newsletter that we get at work. There is a section in it where they print up actual letters from actual guests that are wacky. (The names have been removed...darn) Today there was a hysterical letter about a man requesting a large suite for he and his horse, Squiggles to stay in. "Squiggles and I would enjoy a corner room with a large balcony so squiggles can get some air. It would be nice if this balcony could overlook your magical fountains. Squiggles would really enjoy the peaceful atmosphere." That is a direct qoute, people. I love it.
5. The sweet anticipation of the weekend-so much can happen in a weekend.
6. Renting DVDs of British sit-coms from my local library and watching them....alone.
7. Staying up so late that I don't what my name is or whether or not that blue unicorn staring at me is real or not.
8. The fact that I know I have a whole weekend ahead of me to finish writing "Dead Man's Party." The rock opera I'm writing based on the music of Oingo Boingo. STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!!!
9. The fact that two other secretaries I work with love Friday too, so towards the end of the day we get all giddy and start having contests like who can make the silliest faces (I won) or the scariest faces (I lost.) We bust out all of the treats from the kitchen and snack ourselves into a frenzy. A frenzy!
10. PAY DAY!!!! Every other Friday...incidentally, this Friday is NOT my payday and I only have 50 dollars left in my checking account. I thought I'd put that on anyway though.

Have a super Friday!
Love you ALL!!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

I talked to Pauly Shore, can I please pop your zit?

Being friendless and alone after my dear boosom buddy Gena moved to Utah is getting quite dull. I've decided to move on and make some new friends. Last night kicked off this new-and-improved social life of mine with an evening of music and theater. My friend Megan invited me to see a local production of Guys and Dolls. I, having resorted to striking up long and scintillating conversations with the grocery store cashier and the scary Mexican man who always smiles at me when I pass him on my way to work, accepted Megan's offer gratefully. We were joined on our musical evening by 3 other girls. They were great. You know the ultra-bland LDS girls with greasy pony tails and dry remarks, personalities bordering on extreme sarcasm? Yep, these were my companions for the night. I thouroughly enjoyed myself, though I was preoccupied the majority of the evening by Aaron's oh-so-ripe, white and ready to harvest pimple glistening on her cheek. Oh, to push my fingers on her supple, oily skin and watch the eruption that would follow!! This led me to question my sanity. Why would someone such as myself entertain such vulgar fantasies? Why, I am young, reasonably attractive work a pretty decent jeoorb. Earlier that day I had the privelage of speaking with Pauly Shore on the phone. Pretty sweet eh? That 90s icon and I chatted on the phone for a good 3 minutes or so. I wonder what he would say about my zit popping fetish? He'd probably grimace and just say "Weeeeasilllllll" like he always did in the past. Which brings me to another subject-why is it I got a little star struck over talking to Pauly Shore yesterday? Star struck over someone who I didn't even think was cool in the 90s let alone today...what is up with that? Feedback please. Needless to say, yesterday was a good day. Except for the part when I got in a fight with one of the room service women. But that is a story for another day.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Dreams being haunted by past employment? You betchya!

When will it stop? When will my mind finally accept the blissful truth that I am no longer employed by that facist, lord and surf sales department and have now moved on to a much nicer department? Just the other night, I dreamed of Katrina. Katrina with her menacingly large pouf of hair, spewing forth orders to me from behind dark rimmed glasses and a sun-spotted complexion. "Hey Girlie-I have another impossibly large pile of documents for you to file for me. And by the way, I heard you laughing at your desk an hour ago. You might want to keep it down." She adds for a pretentious note "Not that it bothers ME, I just don't want you to get in trouble." So I dreamed I went in to visit, and I was wearing my black go-go boots. She pursed her lips together, scanning me from top to bottom. "Suzy," she says after a moment of uncomfortable silence. "I don't think you should wear those boots to work anymore." This is the part of the dream where I LOSE IT! I grab her by the collar, shake her back and forth screaming "I don't work here any more, you can't tell me what to wear!" I foam at the mouth for a bit, and before I can savor the moment of complete and utter shock I have caused, I wake up. Darn. Oh well, better luck tonight.

Friday, August 05, 2005

I Was Smart on Wednesday, Now I'm Stupid Again.

Sometimes you just need to shake up the ol’ brainwaves with a little bit of culture. My mind, being heavily saturated with lighter -than -Lindsay Lohan television viewing was in need of such a mental jostling. I decided to take in a foreign film at my local liberry…I mean library. Say what they will about Las Vegas, but their Clark County Library system is the finest I’ve ever seen. Wednesday night they were showing a French-Canadian flick called “Wolves in the Woods,” or something like that. It was a dark yet stimulating murder-suspense movie that reminded me of a cross between Fargo and Charade. The cinematography was great-it had a damp, shadowy feel to it. See how smart I sound? Plus it was in French. Everyone knows that the French (even the Canadian French) are incapable of producing anything BUT thought provoking cinema. (Darn those pretentious, America-hating cheese heads!!!) Following the showing, there was a discussion led by a man with thinning hair and trendy faded jeans. Oh yes, I was amongst intellectuals, listening to the discussion, even commenting occasionally. For a brief, shining moment I was one of those smart people that goes to see foreign movies and discusses them with other smart people. It was great! Then of course, like Eve I blew my intellectual Garden of Eden by eating some forbidden fruit. I came home last night from an evening with my brother Kurt and his lovely wife Elizabeth. I needed a snack, so I fixed some delicious nachos-my signature snack. Something told me not to turn the TV…but I didn’t listen. I ended up watching a Three’s Company marathon until my eyes were glazed and a lazy smile was drooped across my salsa stained lips. Suddenly, I realized that watching Suzanne Sommers and John Ritter (God rest his adorable soul) fumble through comic sequences so absurd they could only be a product of 1982, the year humor died…or at least took a long nap, that the knowledge I had gained from my previous night of hobnobbing with smarty pants was draining from my mind. One can tell just by reading that last sentence, a horrible, horrible run-on, that clearly I am no smarter than I was before I saw those crazy Canadians running around, speaking French and flashing their boobies. Arrrgh-I just used the word boobies. Point illustrated…better plan another activity to get my smarts back. I think I’ll start by having my cable disconnected…

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Rubber bands for rubbers wrists.

So you know how everyone wears some sort of rubber band representing everything from hemmorhoids awarness to girl power? Well, the casino industry is finally catching on to the trend. No we're not using rubber bands instead of poker chips, but the month of August has been named "Responsible Gaming Month." Har! What a concept. Everyone from the secretaries (such as myself) to the CEOs are sporting the bright, construction-cone orange rubber bands with the statement "KEEP IT FUN" imprinted on them. Keep it fun...a beautiful and simple statement that can be taken so many perverted ways especially in Las Vegas. I've been sporting mine all week, flashing it to people with a wink and a smile. Look out aids awareness, Vegas is "Keeping it fun."

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Down with the LP...

I work in a flashy, gobbed-with-glitz Las Vegas Casino. Working in such an environment provides me with experiences completely unique to my industry. Perfect example...last Wednesday, the double doors to our offices burst open and my coworker Leeann burst in, cheeks flushed in excitement.
"There are Ewoks in the hall!!!!" She exclaimed, breathless. Surely she was misinformed...there couldn't possibly be Ewoks in the hall, but then again this is Las Vegas. Anything can happen, and when it does, it apparently stays here. Or so the ad says. I poked my head out the hall, trying to remain inconspicious because if there were in fact Ewoks in the hall, any sudden movements could frighten them away or trigger some sort of spear and boulder war like in Return of the Jedi. I saw them! In black hooded robes stood five tiny figures, the tallest being no higher than a good-sized 3 year old. Being the diplomat that I am, I invited them to rest from their labors as Ewoks in our office lobby where I would treat them to refreshing beverages. Perhaps they would dance for me, or tell me stories of their ancient race and how they came to Planet Earth. They kindly accepted the invitation, but only after telling me gently that they were not Ewoks. They were little people. I tried to hide my dissapointment, but I was crestfallen. My pain was momentarily eased though, when the gave my a free DVD which I eagerly accepted. See, I'm down with the LP. They never explained their robes though. That remains a mystery only the Ewoks know.