PUPPETS CAN'T DO THAT!!!!

I was uncomfortable, but OK during the “Internet is for Porn Song.” I was able to handle “Lucy the Slut” doing a puppet-pole dance. The song about being a closet homosexual? I didn’t even bat an eye. BUT when two of the puppets engaged in sexual intercourse right on stage for everyone to see, complete with shaking and groans of ecstasy, that was TOO much! I covered my eyes and looked over at Elizabeth who was equally appalled. Kurt and Gavin looked on in shocked wonderment. This whole scene lasted an entire song while the Gary Coleman character danced around and sang a song called “You can be as loud as you want, when you’re making love.” There is that phrase I hate-“making love.” Makes me shudder. I prefer “doing the nasty” or “getting some groove on.” I should mention one thrilling moment however. There was one song where some of the cast members, puppets in hand came running into the audience with hats collecting money. I put a dollar in the hat and was rewarded with a BIG puppet kiss, and the actor said “Now that’s a nice lady!” How is it that the kiss of a puppet can linger so sweetly on my brow for so long?

suzy-Q

Sooooooooo, I’m a little bit nervous. I was so excited at having scored 4 tickets to the 2004 Tony Award winning musical “Avenue Q” which is playing in the brand-spanken’ new, 40 million dollar theater at the brand-spanken’ 5.6 billion dollar Wynn Hotel/Casino. It has puppets in it, how FUN is that? After doing a bit of research though, I know there are going to be several moments where I will refuse to make eye contact with my date Gavin (an innocent, unsuspecting Mormon like myself) or my older and significantly less-liberal brother Kurt who’s bringing his sweet wife Elizabeth. Some moments I’m concerned about? Wellll, there is a song called “The Internet is for Porn.” Also, whilst listening to NPR this morning, I heard a quick review on Avenue Q. This review mentioned there would be puppet nudity. PUPPET NUDITY!!! I’m not quite sure how to approach the viewing of puppet privates. I know what to do when it is real people privates-I cover my eyes like the bashful Mormon coquette that I am. But PUPPET PRIVATES? This is a whole new frontier of adult content for me. Perhaps I’ll compromise-I’ll cover my eyes, but peek through the spaces between my fingers while snickering childishly. So I’ve got a plan for me, but what of my companions? I’m more nervous about that than anything else! I can picture Kurt folding his arms fixing a firm, angry gaze in my direction while I shrug sheepishly. Gavin, a very outspoken fella, may just opt to walk out on the whole production. Elizabeth? I’m not sure what her reaction is. All I know, is I am in for an interesting evening. Stay tuned…

Would you rather? Continued...

Charise, God-love er’ said if I was ever dry on ideas (story of my life) I could play the “Would Rather” game on the blog anytime I wanted. Since there is an endless supply of hopefully never-going-to-happen scenarios bouncing around beneath my blonde curls, I’m going to take her up on her offer. Put your thinking caps on, folks. I’ve got some real noodle scratchers’ for you today.

Would you rather…
Have a rubber chicken stapled to your forehead or have elephant ears…for HANDS?

Would you rather be stuck in an elevator for an hour with the Rainman or would you rather eat a hamburger with Anna Nichole Smith?

Would you rather levitate accidentally in front of your home teachers, or speak Latin and spin your head around in front of the Primary chorister?

Would you rather step in a puddle of cherry Kool-Aide in white socks, or make Kool-Aide in a pitcher shaped like Courtney Love’s lips?

Would you rather Wang-Chung tonight, or John Wayne today?

Would you rather find nine tacos in your underwear drawer, or find nine underwears in your taco?

Would you rather go on a Mormon date to Chuck-a-Rama in a Chuck wagon, or to Trampoline world dressed as trampolines?

Aaah, that was fun. And philosophical too!

Let's Play a Game!!!

Would you rather…

*Get punched in the stomach repeatedly by someone REALLY wimpy, like Dakota Fanning. Or….would you rather get tickled with a feather by someone strong and scary like a ripped prisoner on death row?

Would you rather….
*Make out with Richard Simmons for 45 minutes OR take a two week holiday to Delaware with Rosie O’Donnel.

Would you rather…
*Eat 17 rocks the size of grapes, OR chew on a dead skunk for 25 seconds?

Would you rather…

*Have a 2 year old toddler with soft, pudgy hands pull your hair for 20 minutes solid, or have a body builder pull your hair for 12 seconds?

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

Playing House

Last night Kallen invited me over to his place to watch House. Apparently, he gets a group together every week to watch it. Sort of like Gavin and Andy's 24 night (which I am counting down the days to when we can start that again!). I had a feeling he was trying to play a little matchmaking game with Sergio and I and....I was right. But I remained aloof and above it. I thoroughly enjoyed the evening because (and some of you may find this disturbing) I think Dr. House is SO freaking hot. I just want him to spank me with his cane while diagnosing any symptoms I may have. After, we'll make out on an operating table. Yaaaaaaaa...

Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the shredded cows bite!

I’ve been craving Del Taco ever since Charise referred to my cow nightmare as shredded beef and suggested I open a taco stand. How twisted are we in this family? How many families do you know that…
*Have seven kids, all from the same mother and father
*Tell scary stories on Christmas Eve
*Plan a Thanksgiving to which no parents are allowed
*Steal their mother’s journals and read them aloud for sheer amusement
*3 out of the 4 sisters were married and divorced before their 22nd birthdays.
*2 out of the 4 sisters have been involved with married men.
*1 of the sisters has dreams about shredded cows, and puppets with needles for arms that touch her privates. Hee hee, I said “privates.”
So anyway, you get my point. We are a little messed up, but that is part of our charm as a family. There is so much more than meets the eye. For example, everyone who knows me thinks I’m just this sweet, sensitive, typical Pisces kind of girl. Everyone who knows me is right….most of the time. But as one overly frisky Latter Day Saint male discovered over the weekend, there is a dark, violent beast lurking within the inner recesses of my soul. Funny, things always take a little plot twist when I’m involved. Sergio and I dated for about 3 weeks last summer. I never kissed him for reason I could write an entire separate blog about. Well, this past weekend Sergio and I were reunited on the camping trip I mentioned earlier. After brief, awkward greetings we began to warm up to each other a little bit. He was being funny, witty, charming and soon I found myself asking “How did I ever let this nice feller slip away?” The later the night got, the more I changed my mind though. About 3 a.m. I decided I was beat and decided to hit the sack and get a bit of much needed shut-eye. I crept to the back of the motor home where the girl’s area was sectioned off with a curtain and climbed into my sleeping back. No sooner had a snuggled up and closed my eyes, when I was pounced upon! Sergio had decided that it was not acceptable for me to be going to bed. Ever. He wouldn’t leave me alone! I tried to ignore his taunts and jeers, and was pretty good at tuning him out. What I couldn’t ignore was his class-of-98-ringed finger plunging into my ear while he guffawed childishly. I also couldn’t ignore his hand clamping down on my side and tickling my knees. I couldn’t ignore his burly body pressed against mine while I begged him to stop and leave me alone so I could sleep. I finally grabbed my sleeping bag and made a bed in the storage compartment where we were keeping our bags and supplies. At this point, I don’t know how many hours had gone by. I only know that the sun was starting to come up and I was feeling completely violated and exhausted. Relieved to be away from the octopus boy, I closed my eyes. Then I heard his voice. “Suzy, what a cool bed you made. I’m going to climb up there and sleep with you okay?” That was it. The breaking point. The beast was unleashed and I would be Sweet Sue no longer.
“You do and I’ll KICK YOU IN THE FACE!” I screamed, my voice cracked from fatigue. “GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!” That was the last I heard from Sergio that night. Or should I say that morning. The sun was starting to rise and I was free to sleep at last. Of course, everyone at the campout heard my outburst and now everyone knows about my darkness within. What can I say? The human spirit can only be pushed so far…no one stands between me and my sleep.

Lightening the mood with some classic Ryan and Rich

Friday is for funnies not for scary nightmares! I know that now, so I'm posting this hysterical email that came from Ryan and Rich today. Those of you smart enough to follow even a hint of it are in for a real treat! Hoo-haw!



OH snap ! you did not... "ahhh, but he did". centrist? is that like moderate? somewhat related to luke warm but a distant cousin to involved citizen? son... take up arms and speak your piece. the water is rising and the sweet salvation in the form of gelopy hueys and double blade copters of yore are not coming. thats for comic books son. oil gets a tax break and those that can't swim are punished. double digit growth son. wrap that around your mind a few times boy ! GROWTH and progress and the immediate dismantling of the EPA needs to occur and how ! the only stem sale going on best be at the local botonist. not those eery basement botonist with the hydroponics... no sir... stems and seeds ruining a perfectly good batch of dime bag !!! i'm waiting for the development of Chia Stem Cell Pet. ryan... you're a man of science and business... make it happen... where pet rock meets pet Coik. all i'm saying is that ruminations of ruined nations is quickly coming to pass.
crimes are committed son on the daily. carry the big boom stick and make everyone duck for cover. the sky isn't falling but it is being broken apart and sold off as scrap to china... but at least we get $5 DVD players outta the deal. russia is polishing up on old manevuers they would rather not have us party to and the state of isreal is doing mighty fine DOD business with Big Red much to the chagrin of all of europe and france. which, as we all know, is a different of part of freedom anyhow. why can't we just change the name of france to freedom?
i say TO THE N'TH DEGREE PEOPLE. let 'em take us seriously for once.
Freedom Toast, Freedom Fries, Freedom Ticklers and Freedom Kisses... for the LOM - call it Paris, Freedom !!! let 'em know who mans the bell tower with a head full of psychoactives and a penchant for unsolicited violence and an abhorrance of WMD ! that ain't World's Mickey D's folks. those be killin' words. weapons are all around and depleted uranium is killing off our 1991 soldiers. mmm... no sir... no commie pigs here... we are liqoured and ready for a fight... like elton john once sang to a questionably hetero generation... "it's Saturday night and i want a little action here"
>>> Ryan Aslami 9/16/2005 2:49:19 PM >>>
So, I took your little poly-pop quiz. Confirmed what I feel...all political parties bite some plentiful ass!!! Yes, I was labeled a "Centrist" (leaning left on personal issues, see below)..."avoiding political extremes and emphasizing practical solutions to problems." (I admit, I kinda liked that part.) Well, some might see that as a fence sitting position...I simply see it as a deficiency inherent in a 2-dimensional test...They left out the third dimension for us anti-political types.

With that included, I would surely be pushing the extreme limit on the Axis labeled "Yearning to return to apolitical hunter-gatherer era," where all that mattered was the size of your club (the brutal, wooden kind), the slope of your forehead, and the volume of hair on your back!
BTW, do you really know somebody named Calvin Cotton? That's gotta be a stage name...for an Ozark jug-band, that is! You know...that reminds me of a merry old ditty from the deep, "Old" South:
O, I used to buy my booze from Calvin Cotton Old times there are not forgotten Look away! Look away!
Look away! Dixie Land.
Not to mention Jason Ciok! That moniker could be very hazardous to your health...how the hell did he make it through grade school? At least he can say he was responsible for putting the 'I' back in Cok (of course, he left out the 2nd c, but who's counting?) I'm really starting to worry about the company you keep, missy!
Next thing you know, you'll be hanging with guys who have two first names...oye!

ACCORDING TO YOUR ANSWERS,
The political description that
fits you best is...


Whattaya think of that? Thanks Ryan and Rich for years of friendship and laughter.

Psychology Done Learned Me Wrong

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like my Psychology 101 professor. I liked her a lot. In fact, she was one of the most dynamic, informative professors I have ever had in my inconsistent college career. But last night I had an experience that left me questioning how well she really knows her subject. I distinctly remember the unit when our class leaned about sleep. One of the most interesting things about that unit was learning about the various stages in sleep. Interestingly enough, we were taught that the during stage of sleep where dreams occur, the body is physically incapable of movement. The nervous system stops sending messages during dreams to prevent us from acting the dreams out and possibly hurting ourselves and others. Fascinating right? If only it were true. Last night was nightmare number 1,235. It was short and meaningless, just a quick glimpse of sheer unexplained terror that left me shaking into the wee hours…kind of like a sneak peak of Hell. I still don’t understand what it was or why it scared me as much as it did. All it consisted of was a cow standing in an empty corral. I saw it’s face and saw that it was torn to shreds except for the eyes which were staring at me with the purest look of anguish, human anguish that is, that I have ever seen. One of my arms I threw over my eyes, and the other I sort of grabbed my hair in fear and distress. When I woke up, I was doing exactly the same thing. Grabbing my hair and covering my eyes. How can that be?

Camping

So Brent invited me to go on a camping trip this weekend with an exclusive group of people he hand selected. I'm a bit nervous...haven't been on a co-ed camping trip-EVER.
Any advice ladies? Really, I'm just going to get my mind off of one guy who we shall just call Eric, because that is his name. I figure if I surround myself with a mob of strapping gents I'll forget all about the fact that we sat in the hot tub for nearly two hours Monday night and he didn't even try to hold my hand! Arrrgghhh. Camping with guys? Bring it.

Nice to meet you...are you going to kill me?

So it’s come to this. This is the world we live in. I can’t even go to the park in broad daylight without having the most unsettling experience since I caught my ex husband weeping and having a full fledged conversation about me with…the stereo. Fall in Las Vegas is so beautiful. Bright sunlight pours from clear blue skies, temperatures hover around 85 degrees, and every now and then a breeze washes over that feels so fresh and clean you forget you’re in the city. Yesterday was one of these perfect fall days and I had an extra hour between work and class so I found a park near campus, spread out a blanket and attempted to finish reading The Fountainhead, since it is due back to the library…today. No sooner had I settled on a sunny patch and opened my book when I heard hostile voice shouting at me. “HEY!”
Hoping the “hey” was not directed towards me, I continued reading without looking up. “Hey YOU! I’m talking to you!” Great. Coming towards me was a thug-a big one. About six feet tall and probably 250 + pounds, decked out with all sorts of stereotypical thug paraphernalia, from his K-Swiss to his frighteningly erratic afro. “Who me?” I asked timidly and as sweetly as I can, my eyes desperately sweeping the park for someone else. I was alone, aside from two men (who I shall now refer to as my guardian angels) running around the track. “Ya you.” He said standing dangerously close to where I was sitting. “Wus yo name?” He asked. “Suzy.” I replied. “Ya well Suzy. I’m Jonah. An’ I’m looken’ fo’ some new friends. You see, my last friends, they all got in an accident.” He grins, revealing a mouth full of rotted teeth. “Only it wasn’t no accident.” AAAAAAAAAAAAGHHhhhhh! What could I do? I couldn’t get up now, I was afraid any sudden movements would trigger the madness obviously raging within him. So I simply smiled and looked out at the joggers on the track, trying to communicate my distress with telepathy. “Wus yo name again?” Jonah asked sitting down. It was then I noticed he was keeping one hand behind his back. Concealing what? A gun? A dead frog? A worm to dangle menacingly in front of me? He scooted in close to me, keeping his hand behind his back. I laced my keys in my fingers and prepared for the worse as he began to tell me a story about his unfaithful ex-girlfriend and why women weren’t meant to be trusted. I was so scared and I think my jogger friends finally picked up on it because they began running off the track and on to the field where we were sitting, modifying their laps so they would run right past us. Jona licked his large black lips and leaned in towards me. “Where do you live?” He asked. That was it. The last straw. I was outta there! I mumbled something about Henderson and needing to get to class before scampering off. I was almost home free when I heard the dreaded “Hey-WAIT!” He was chasing me. I pretended not to hear my as my car was near and I was almost safe. “I SAID WAIT!” He yelled. Stupidly I stopped and turned. He said “Do you think we’ll ever meet again?” “I don’t know…” I said fumbling with my keys. “Don’t worry-we will.” He said. I pealed out of that parking lot so fast, my heart beating, palms sweaty. Who knows, maybe I’m reading too much into it but I had a bad feeling the whole time I was talking to Jonah. Girls these days can’t be too careful you know! Needless to say, I will think twice before going to the park alone-even in the daytime.

Friday Night Bonus Blog!

Ah, the Friday Night Bonus Blog. Also known as the "Sitting alone on a Friday night wondering what all the active people in the world whose best friends have not moved to Logan are doing" blog. Actually, I did have a rather tempting offer from my pal Brent to go play with him and his friends, but I had already committed to babysitting the freakishly smart Austin-Blossom. That is an adventure in itself. Tonight he informed me (keep in mind, he is only 6 years old) that there are many dimensions existing in the world, and that objects that are in them are either two or three dimensional. He said this casually, as one might say "Some weather we're having" or "Gee, that Brittany Spears sure is looking like a barefoot and pregnant She-Bear lately." He is now sleeping soundly, bless his little blonde head, but only after I promised to write him some home-made Mad Libs for him to do tomorrow morning. He prefers the home-made Mad Libs because he knows it is more work for me. I'm happy to do it though, because that means I can come up with silly titles like "Who Stole My Woolen Pantaloones?" or "How to Hover Gently Over a Wriggling Mass of Jell-O." See? I'm inspired already.
By the way Charise-as soon as I wrap this up, I'm having myself a little 24 marithon. Thanks for the hook up, sweet Peach!

Alright, who ordered the SPAMBURGER????

So what is with all you blog-spammers disguising yourselves as people interested in what I have to say? As if I wouldn’t catch on! You never comment on anything specific. You just say “Nice Blog! Keep it up-then check out my site where I will expose you to the exciting world of multilevel spam blogging and how you can make a living selling Kiss Tickets or Viagra to middle school students.” People please! How ridiculous can you get. I’m going off to sulk and think, as this picture indicates. In the meantime, keep the “life changing” offers to yourself. I’ve got my OWN at home business if you don’t mind. I call it-NOT SPAMMING OTHERS. Clever eh? Contact me if you’re interested.

Things Making Me Smile Today

So many of my blogs are bogged (blogged?) down with sarcasm and negativity, so before I begin griping about the mysterious $9.95 service fee for concert tickets in Las Vegas (that on top of a 3 dollar “convenience fee” and an already ridiculously high price) I’ll take a happy-time-breather. After all, there are a lot of things making me smile today.
* I’ve never been attacked by an alligator. If that ever happens, boy howdy, there will be one nasty blog written about the pain and suffering of dismemberment. Zouch!
* Last night began the fall semester. How I do love flexing my mental muscles with a little bit of higher education. Wait-does CCSN count as higher education? I think it should, because we have a planetarium. Neat.
* Michi and I went out to a delicious dinner at King’s Fish House, and I didn’t get food poisoning like Charise did when she went to King’s. Instead, I enjoyed the sweet, comforting feeling of a viscera full or warm chowder and fresh lump crab meat. Mmmm…lump crab meat. Meat. Meat me at King’s! Zing!
* Whilst delicately sucking the end of my pen, listening intently to my professor’s definition of Astronomy compared to Astrology, I felt a stinging prick on my leg. Looking down, I discovered in shock a fat black ant gnawing happily on my flesh. Why does that make me smile, you ask? Simply because it was merely an ant and not a pit bull or a ravished hyena. THAT would have been sooooooo embarrassing the first day of school.
* I discovered a new musician that I can’t wait to share with the world. Sufjan Stevens plays that banjo and the music is warm yet dark. Like an armpit…
* Has anyone reading this every met Brother Hansen of the Las Vegas Institute? If you have, you will know he is the most amusing man ALIVE! If he can’t make you smile, you don’t have a soul. Join the people who don’t like pie in the no soul line please. I have his New Testament class tonight . Since I have a soul, I am in fact smiling at the though.
* The paper cut on my index finger is healing quite nicely. I don’t believe it will have to be amputated.
Well, I could go on and on all day because that is just the sort of mood I’m in. Now what to do about my Franz Ferdinand ticket? A 35 dollar show with all those darn fees is going to end up costing about 50 clams. Aaaargggh. That makes me SO MAD. That and the post office.
SMILES and LOVE everyone!!!!

Blarrrrrrgh....blech. Eh?

My poor blog has been neglected these past few days due to a complete lack of motivation and inspiration. Today is no different, although I’ve willed myself to post something no matter how lame it may be. So here are a bunch of lame things I could discuss.
*Eating half a bag of yogurt covered raisins that Nichole and Dom left in my car.
*The last episode of Laguna Beach I watched where Jason dumped Jessica. How sad. He is such a jerk and half.
*Why I have done nothing with my life to this point.
*My mad desire to join the Peace Corp.
*Why my coworker smells like onions sometimes.
*The moldy black lemons I found on the counter when I got back from California.
Seriously, folks there has to be more to life that this. What I need to do is get my lazy keister motivated and moving. And like the Steely Dan song says “You can’t get what you want, till you know what you want.” At least I think it was Steely Dan. Anyone know for sure? Anyone know for sure what they want and who sings that song? Anyone know for sure what I want???

Ants in my Pants

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. There is nothing like the anticipation of a three day weekend to get the old gluteus maximus squirming in the stiff office chair like a worm on a hook. Unlike the worm however, I’m squirming from joy and excitement, not anxiety over my eminent doom. To add to my wriggling happiness, our office even closes early today. I get off at noon! There are a few elements that are going to make this holiday weekend particularly interesting and enjoyable.
-I will be joined by Nikki and Dominique tonight
-Michelle will be in town tonight as well
-We are going to California to visit Chariseeeey!
-I am feeling fat and reckless, so there is no telling what I’m capable of.
-I just ate three plums, so I may have the runs a good portion of the trip.
-Nikki, Dominique and myself are all feeling rejuvenated in our fresh, new bitterness towards all men. This should make for amusing situations, as I’m sure we will get hit on countless times by all sorts of roguish males. We will show no mercy.
-Since the three of us have magnificent music collections, the car will be an eclectic journey for my ears.
Let the good times roll! Now If I can just make it through the workday…