Blast from the past!

Look at this old picture I found of me at a singles ward campout. My hair was so short and dark...I'm tempted to cut it again. What say ye?

Blast from the past!

Ask Ivan: Real Advice from a Real Man

Dear Ivan,
Lately I've had an overwhelming feeling that I am not fulfilling my calling in life. My job is unsatisfying and I am so lonely. I haven't many friends, and the ones I do have don't really exist.
Please help me!
Lucy Loveless,
Fargo, ND

Dear Lucy:
Woa, you should change your name to Captain Bringdown, STAT! Your life sounds like a major downer. Here's what you do-k, go to everquest.com and register to get on board the most exciting adventure you could possible imagine! After a few quick wizard battles and elf slayings, you'll find that fulfillment you were so desperately seeking. I'll see you there, Captain!


Dear Ivan,
I like to go through my neighbors trash at night. It intrigues me. Did you know the Smith's drink DIET soda? The Rodriguez's use generic TOILET PAPER? We're talking one plye here! And beautiful Miss Lynn from accross the street eats at Del Taco at least three times a week. She likes the chicken soft tacos and cheddar quesadillas. Sometimes I make hats out of the quesadilla wrappers and wear them to various support groups. I don't really need any advice or help...I just wanted to share with you and the readers that Old Man Barker reads Cosmopolitan and wears women's Secret deodorant. He's a little...wink, wink, if you know what I mean.
Warm regards,
One Man's Garbage
Pahrump, NV

Dear One Man's Garbage:
Was that you I saw last night, skulking about my trash can leafing through my discarded credit card applications and Popular Science magazines? Sounds like you've tapped into a remarkable well of unnecessary information about your neighbors. My hats off to you and your smelly source of useless information. Thanks for sharing!

Dear Ivan,
Have you ever made a mushroom cry? I did last night and I feel really bad. What is a good way to apologize?
Lana
Your basement

Dear Lana,
What the F?

This could be a good thing...but it probably isn.t

My car is dying. Bless it’s little Japanese-Honda heart, it starts for me every morning and runs like a dream, but I’ve put nearly 141,000 miles on it (yes, I do love a good road trip) the check engine light has been on and the mechanics don’t know why, and now the CD player doesn’t work! Horrible! I put in a CD and all I get is static. Fortunately the radio still works, but unfortunately Las Vegas was never know for it’s good radio stations. There is a brand new station I find somewhat acceptable, though it still plays its fair share of Nickelback and Lincoln Park-two of the worst bands of all time. My frustration has turned me to the classical music station, just to get away from hearing the same tripe played over and over. Classical music has turned out to be a real treat. Some pieces I recognize, some are completely new experiences to me. I haven’t heard anything displeasing to me in the least…still, I think I’ll keep my eyes open for a new car.

In the Den...

Jimmy: So…you baby sit your sister often?

April: Yep. Every Friday night when my parents go to the Active Adults ice cream social.

Jimmy: Do you usually invite boys…eh, I mean men over to keep you company?

April: You’re my first-I mean, you’re the first one I’ve ever invited over. Ever.

Uncomfortable silence.

April: Wanna root beer or a Tab or something?

Jimmy: Um, okay. I’ll take a Tab..

Later, while sipping Tabs in the den…

Jimmy: Um…so what time do your parents get home.

April: Late…very late.

Jimmy: Um…have you ever, done “it” before?

April: What’s “it?”

Jimmy: NOTHEN! Um…

My Favorite Sin...

Ah gluttony. My true vice. If there is one sin that will keep me out of the Celestial Kingdom, it is truly this. Lust? We all know what a prude I am. I hardly let guys kiss me, let alone anything else. In fact, the entire cast of Thunder Down Under could be dancing past me in all their shirtless glory and I'd ask them where I could get some pie and nachos. Sloth? Mmmm..perhaps, but I get motivated every now and then. I have a job, go to school. Sloth has not completely taken me. Eh, I forget what the rest of the 7 deadly sins are, because they are obviously not an issue for me. But gluttony, how can I fight this? Last night our department had our monthly dinner at Stack, the new restaurant at the Mirage. Owned by the Light company this "American Steakhouse" has the hip feeling of a night club complete with dim lighting, flawlessly handsome employees and music that is too cool for me to be familiar with. And the food...oh my word. I've never had a dinner quite like that before. The food was as hip as the music. I ate until I could eat no more...and then I had a few more bites. This morning? Oh, I feel wretched. The fact that my cold is evolving into some sort of super cold doesn't help...but mostly I feel weighed down. Weighed down by filet mignon and lobster. Weighed down by the guilt that I consumed more than a million calories in one sitting. Weighed down by the one deadly sin I will never be able to shake. Shake? Did someone say shake? Don't mind if I do. Chocolate please.

A Discovery Most Foul...Fowl?

When Nichole was in town last week, she was able to witness first hand my extreme levels of being naive. Kurt rented “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” for our Friday the 13th party, and although I fell asleep on the floor about halfway through, it still scared me. Scared me to the point of insisting Nichole sleep with me in the guest bedroom so nothing would “get me.” Little did I know what horrors truly awaited me that night.
As we nestled down in the big, comfy bed I felt something at my feet. Something hard and plastic. Thinking perhaps, a toy of Austin’s had found it’s way under the sheets, I reached down to retrieve it and toss it aside. Discovering the “toy” had a long wire, I thought it was a small MP3 player…it was dark and I couldn’t see so I handed the object in question to Nichole for her to examine. After about 2 seconds, she dropped it and yelped “That’s no MP3 player! That’s a vibrator!” Within minutes the beastly object had been thrown to the floor and Nichole and I were in the bathroom scrubbing our hands clean. Okay, so I have never used, touched, or seen a…vibrator. There are worse things to be ignorant of in life right? For example, the correct way to floss ones teeth. The proper maintenance and storage of cheese. How to tie your shoes….

By the way, the object in question belonged to Elizabeth’s little sister Aaron and her husband Jake. Eeewwwww…back the counseling I go.

I've made a huge mistake...Part Duex

Who knew Belle and Sebastian was such a hot act in the US? I made it to my local ticket master box office a mere two hours after the tickets went on sale and they were already SOLD OUT!! How the did that happen? I’m crushed! They are on my list of bands I need to see before I die…I guess I’ll have to wait and see them back in Scotland. Boo hoo…until then, UK sweeties The Wedding Present will suffice.

Omazing!!!

After last night’s viewing of Cirque Du Soleil’s triumph O, I have come to the following conclusion. O performers (as well as all Cirque Du Soleil performers) are not human. Instead, they are a rare race of SUPERhumans genetically bred by evil scientists in Montreal Canada. It is my belief that their entertainment business is only a front; they are secretly planning on taking over the world, and they will succeed because we are only boring, non-super humans who can not bend our bodies in half while twirling a flaming baton and soaring at great heights on a flying trapeze. Please, get your 72 hour kits ready. Build an emergency bunker near area 51. The end is near.
Warnings aside, O was a fantastic show; far better than T.I.’s Mystere and even surpassing MGM Grand’s Ka. For nearly two hours I was under the spell of beautiful music, shimmering water and perfectly molded people wearing stunning costumes doing amazing things. I’ve never seen such as stage as O’s. Lakes and ponds come out of the ground and disappear just as quickly…ghost ships come from the sky and people vanish into mysterious abysses only to reappear from a completely different area seconds later. Who comes up with this? What sort of maddening genius does it take to accomplish such feats? And why can’t I have just a little bit of the synchronized swimmers flexibility? Why? Why??? PS-Happy Friday the 13th! THE END

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARISE!!!
HUGS AND SUCH AND GLABEN!!!

PS-I will buy the Belle and Sebastion tickets for your present!
Unless you would rather get something boring like a gift card to Albertsons or a subscription to Forbes.
Let me know, sweet thang.

Voicemail

This morning I woke up and there was a voicemail from Kallen. He wanted to play some pool, but he also wanted to know the difference between "antique" and "vintage." I'm not sure what the technical difference is. To me, vintage represents something from 50s, and on, antiques are anything older. But that is the Suzy definition. Either of you know the correct answer?

Desire

It called to me, quietly at first; it’s white, frothy head peaking out from behind two fat pastries. It was easy to ignore, and I strolled on past barely giving it a second glance. Then it called louder…stronger, with a husky voice. “Eat meee…” Sweat broke out upon my brow and I desperately tried to quell the heat rising in my bosom by fanning at myself with a napkin. None of the Sunday school tricks worked…singing hymns only made the voice call louder, and thinking unappetizing thoughts like spiders, gym socks and Michael Moore only seemed to make it more determined. Desire was a beast not willing to be tamed. I took the plate, rushed to my table too full of hungry lust to feel any shame about what I was about to do. I ate the coconut cream pie…ate it like it’s never been eaten before. Afterwards I wept from guilt and remorse. Will I ever be whole again?

Not again!?!

Would you rather….

Do a traditional Irish jig while covered in bumblebees or eat shaved ice with Sean Penn while he preaches his politics to you?

Skip through a field of wildflowers or nap under a blossoming apple tree?

Read your journal to Bob Saggot, or read your journal to your ex-boyfriend?

Make a dress out of soiled cloth diapers or wear a toilet on your head?

Swim with the dolphins in a clear, calm ocean or soar with eagles in a majestic orange sunset?

Wear a turtleneck to the beach, or long pants to the pool?

Read a boring blog by Suzy, or read no blog by Suzy?

Neil and New Years

New Year’s with Neil

Holy Smoke, what a way to kick off the New Year! Neil Diamond concert, sushi party, hot date, new episode of AD! Could we ask for anything more?
Yes, yes we could. I’ve already discussed my New Year’s resolutions, something to the tune of traveling more and bringing back disco…but I have a few more.
1. Don’t read depressing stories like “Brokeback Mountain” anymore. Ew, I just finished it this afternoon and I need a HUG so bad.
2. Learn to play 5 new songs on the guitar.
3. Buy my condo…or at least put enough dough away that I could buy one if I wanted to. (I’m getting close!)
4. Get Nik to move out of Utah before it destroys her.
5. Improve my Spanish
So there you have it folks. Five more feasible New Year’s resolutions. Let me just close by saying 2005 was one amazing year. I met lots of swell people and went to a lot of great concerts, went to Miami and lots of other fun shizz. I predict 2006 won’t be too shabby either. Bring it izzon!!
And here’s a little photographic recap of the greatness that was…2005.







Alright, I tried to add more pics, but my computer froze. So this will have to do.
Happy New Year everybody!